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Experiencing denial, notably when it recurs often, is not a great feeling. Someone is saying no, delivering a clear “Not interested.” As a writer, I am well acquainted with setbacks. I commenced submitting story ideas half a century past, right after college graduation. Since then, I have had several works turned down, along with book ideas and many essays. During the recent two decades, specializing in commentary, the denials have multiplied. Regularly, I receive a setback frequently—amounting to more than 100 each year. Cumulatively, rejections in my profession number in the thousands. Today, I could have a master’s in handling no’s.

But, is this a complaining rant? Not at all. Because, finally, at seven decades plus three, I have embraced being turned down.

How Did I Achieve This?

A bit of background: At this point, almost each individual and their distant cousin has rejected me. I’ve never tracked my win-lose ratio—doing so would be deeply dispiriting.

For example: lately, a newspaper editor nixed 20 articles consecutively before approving one. A few years ago, no fewer than 50 book publishers vetoed my manuscript before someone approved it. Later on, 25 literary agents declined a project. One editor even asked that I send my work only once a month.

The Steps of Rejection

In my 20s, all rejections hurt. I felt attacked. It was not just my work was being turned down, but myself.

As soon as a submission was turned down, I would start the “seven stages of rejection”:

• First, disbelief. What went wrong? Why would they be blind to my talent?
• Next, refusal to accept. Surely you’ve rejected the wrong person? It has to be an administrative error.
• Third, rejection of the rejection. What do editors know? Who appointed you to decide on my labours? It’s nonsense and their outlet is subpar. I deny your no.
• After that, frustration at them, followed by frustration with me. Why would I do this to myself? Could I be a masochist?
• Subsequently, pleading (often mixed with delusion). What does it require you to recognise me as a unique writer?
• Sixth, depression. I’m not talented. Additionally, I can never become accomplished.

I experienced this over many years.

Excellent Company

Of course, I was in excellent company. Stories of writers whose manuscripts was initially declined are legion. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Nearly each renowned author was originally turned down. Since they did overcome rejection, then maybe I could, too. The sports icon was not selected for his school team. Many American leaders over the past six decades had been defeated in elections. Sylvester Stallone claims that his movie pitch and attempt to appear were rejected numerous times. He said rejection as someone blowing a bugle to rouse me and persevere, not backing down,” he has said.

The Final Phase

Later, upon arriving at my 60s and 70s, I reached the last step of rejection. Peace. Now, I better understand the multiple factors why someone says no. Firstly, an publisher may have just published a comparable article, or have one in progress, or simply be considering a similar topic for a different writer.

Alternatively, unfortunately, my submission is of limited interest. Or the reader thinks I lack the credentials or stature to be suitable. Perhaps is no longer in the field for the wares I am offering. Maybe was too distracted and read my work too quickly to recognize its value.

You can call it an epiphany. Anything can be declined, and for whatever cause, and there is almost nothing you can do about it. Many explanations for denial are forever not up to you.

Your Responsibility

Some aspects are your fault. Let’s face it, my proposals may occasionally be ill-conceived. They may be irrelevant and resonance, or the point I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Alternatively I’m being too similar. Or an aspect about my writing style, notably dashes, was unacceptable.

The essence is that, despite all my decades of effort and setbacks, I have achieved widely published. I’ve authored multiple works—the initial one when I was middle-aged, another, a personal story, at 65—and in excess of numerous essays. My writings have featured in magazines major and minor, in regional, worldwide outlets. An early piece appeared decades ago—and I have now submitted to many places for half a century.

Yet, no bestsellers, no book signings at major stores, no features on talk shows, no presentations, no honors, no big awards, no Nobel, and no medal. But I can better accept rejection at this stage, because my, humble accomplishments have softened the stings of my many rejections. I can now be reflective about it all now.

Instructive Rejection

Setback can be helpful, but provided that you pay attention to what it’s indicating. Or else, you will probably just keep seeing denial incorrectly. What insights have I learned?

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